Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
