i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
