My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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