Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
