glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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