i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
