pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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