Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It was confusing and full of hummus
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
