you traded sex for a burrito?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
