don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
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