My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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