you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
