but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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