my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
