the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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