Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
