So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
