apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
