Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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