I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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