just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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