Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
