One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
