Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
