He kissed a someone with a penis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
