Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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