I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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