Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
