hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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