First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
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