Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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