never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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