according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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