dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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