please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
