My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
