Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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