and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
