And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Randomize
