you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
