organizing the empties. That sober.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
