it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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