Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
