there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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