you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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