My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
