Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
