I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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