I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
