god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
