Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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