if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
