Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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