Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
